Monday, November 10, 2008

When Plants Attack!

In M. Night Shyalaman's "The Happening", Plants finally get even with us veggie-neglecting humans by releasing a pine-fresh neuro-toxin into the air. When this goes down, here's what you should look for.

1. First you say something terribly banal TWICE. This is the "bore spore" kicking in, and it is quite effective.
2. Then YOU FREEZE IN PLACE!- unless, of course, you don't.
3. Then you SUDDENLY KILL YOURSELF! And by suddenly I mean that you patiently and politely wait your turn to kill yourself, 'cause if everyone just started killing themselves all at once it would just be ridiculous, wouldn't it.
Also you when the appropriate moment finally gets around to you, you'll probably want to consider committing suicide in a way that is specific/ironic to your chosen profession. This is to say, if you are a cop you'll shoot yourself with your city-issued handgun, if you are a gardener you'll hang yourself with a length of garden-hose, and if you are a "morning Zoo- Crew" D.J., you'll impale yourself on a slide-whistle.
4. Remember, you don't have to freeze or kill yourself if: you are the friend of someone freezing/killing themselves, you are the employer of someone freezing/killing themselves, or if you are videotaping someone freezing/killing themselves.
5. Also, we know for a fact that the plants only unleash their evil on those in large groups, so if you're alone you're basically safe. Well except for that one girl in her room who was on the phone with her mom, and also that old lady at the end, but I think that was because the plant gas had gotten super strong... which, um, doesn't explain why it didn't affect- Y'know, just ignore the group rule, it never made much sense anyway.
6. The only thing that will allow you to survive a plant attack is love, TRUE LOVE- or at least strong feelings of affection. Or possibly just a sense of companionship and/or routine. I think. Actually, the two leads seemed like they'd be much better off without eachother. But their love stopped it. Right? Maybe the plants felt sorry for them, or maybe they were just punishing the rest of us by keeping those two alive, I dunno, I was a little sketchy on this point also.
7. So... ah, in conclusion- huh, where was I?...
Beware and take care!

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